I am going to be a crazy old bat who writes wacky complaint letters to everything like Grandpa Simpson.

Dear Clover Leaf: 

I was just looking at one of your tuna tins, and I can no longer find the "Dolphin Friendly" symbol on the label. Are you no longer Dolphin Friendly? Did I just eat dolphin with Miracle Whip on my sandwich? I certainly hope not. It's not that I love dolphins or anything; I just don't want to eat anything that was a swimsuit-shredding, prehensile-dicked rapist. Oh please please please please please tell me I didn't just eat evil rapey douchebag-of-the-sea on white bread...

~Vannie


Dear Dolphins: 

You guys are assholes. You may be the most intelligent animals on Earth, but you're still assholes. What the hell is the deal? Humping humans who only want to join you in the pool? Destroying the trust and swimsuits of people who merely wish to bask in your "gentle and soothing" aura? Gentle and soothing, my eye. Don't you dare come near me, you deceptively-cute aquatic perverts. Screw you and the seahorse you rode in on.

~Vannie


Dear Teletoon Retro: 

What exactly is your definition of "retro"? The For Better Or For Worse animated series is from post-2000. Here's a good rule of thumb: if kids who aren't in high school yet can remember it from when it was new, it's not "retro." 

Good job for airing Beetlejuice and My Pet Monster, though. How about some Rainbow Brite? Or Lady LovelyLocks? Oh, and have you considered airing Care Bears at a more civilised hour of the morning so that those of us who stay up past midnight on the East Coast to catch Fraggle Rock have a chance at being awake to watch it? That'd be frikkin' awesome.

~Vannie


Dear Brother: 

Quit bloody snoring. I've got enough trouble sleeping without having to listen to you apneating holes into the drywall. 

~Sis


Dear Complexion: 

Stop sucking. You were great the entire time I was in puberty; why start looking like hell when I'm 25 and need to find someone to marry? Enough with the pimples already.

~Vannie